No one can really
Be who I have been
For I am the perfect me.
“What do I think of myself?” Well that is definitely not the question we ask ourselves in our day to day lives. I would rather say, this question is a hazard of an empty self-destructive mind. And if not self-destructive then positively of an immense thinker who has nothing else to do than tire the tiny grey cells. In general, I don’t fall in this criterion but I found this question very intriguing. There must be some connection we all make with ourselves. So I was looking for that connection.
When blogger asked me at the inception of this blog to write “About Me”, I rather gave a very calculative answer. Calculative not in terms of honesty but in terms of the word limit I was to maintain. So what exactly do I think of myself.
Well to begin with I am a girl. Even more precise a pampered girl. I won’t say spoilt for my father was too adamant about having discipline but for the sake of discussion I am pampered. Its intrinsic. I like luxuries, though I have never bought any for myself. I love my parents for everything they have done for me.
I am happy go-lucky. I don’t aim high, which I believe is very endangering for my ability to compete. I can go on and on about how I gave up when I shouldn’t have and just accepted my falling on fate and moved on. Since then, I have improved or should I say that I have grown up.
I am not an atheist. But I believe truly from bottom of my heart, that god can never harm us. So if any form of religion practice, harms or disturbs my daily life. I will not call it worship. You may call it your faith, but I will not. Religion should give us above all mental peace and not be the cause of disharmony. I am not the kind who bends on knees every morning and makes a list of wishes to ask to the almighty. No matter how much I wish for a mango, if he wants me to have an apple I will have it. Why waste wishes then?
In terms of my father, I have always been a loner. Someone who is always aloof. He is not right entirely because I always had friends, companions at every stage of my life just not the ones you gain for the rest of your life. But eventually, I did meet some of those who have stayed with me now for a long time and I hope and pray that they stick with me for the rest of my life.
I am a liar. I mean to say that I can easily get away with a lie or a pretense. Some people are unable to lie. I am not one of them. I can even fool the closest of people to me. But now most of them have learnt my tricks over the years and can cut into my pretense. Some say even if my tongue can lie, my eyes can’t. I somehow don’t believe them.
I avoid reality especially when it gets too painful. Somehow for me holding on is less painful than letting go. I have never been able to let go. I never know how to close a book and instead end up turning just a page. I hate endings, though they are inevitable. Like its said, “Even the most beautiful days have their sunsets” and though I agree with it, I have never been able to accept it.
I love books. They are my most prized possessions. They make me dream, they make me feel, they are part of who I am. I can never understand why not every being on earth is a ‘bookaholic’ I can never feel jaded after reading a book. No wonder, I have never hated a book in my life. One of my secret ambitions is to write a book. Someday, Somehow I might. Promise me, you all will read :D
I am an engineer (about to be actually) who loves gadgets. Half of the gadgets at home are not there because they find any utility at home but more because of the crazy fetish me and dad share.
I am not very open as far as my feelings are concerned. It still takes my best friend at least half an hour to tell her what is wrong with me. With rest, my pretense always works as a shield.
I love ghosts and anything that is supernatural and yet I will scream at the tiniest shadow in dark. Maybe its just a repercussion of the days when my brother used to scare the hell out of me as a child.
I am still confused as to what I want to do in life. And while I am confused, I follow that symmetric convention of the world. What everyone does, I follow the line. Or even best, I follow what my parents ask me to do.
And while I can go on and on about this, there has to be an end.
ना उस जैसी हूँ, ना तुझ जैसी हूँ
I am not like him, I am not like you
मैं तो बस अपने ही जैसी हूँ
I am just like me
ना अच्छी हूँ, ना बुरी हूँ
I am neither good, I am neither bad
मैं तो बस मैं हूँ ।
I am just the perfect me